I don’t get it. I’m middle aged, fat and happy. Okay not so fat (thank God), and always looking for ways to be happy. But I really think by this age we should know when guys are really not into us. I don’t understand why we make excuses for guys and their behaviors of not pursuing or not calling. I can understand when we were younger, that we weren’t as secure. And I’m not saying that we should make them wrong for it, we should just get a clue. I'll admit occasionally perhaps I’m not always great at figuring it out either.
Years ago, I went out with a nice guy I met at a party. He was quite attentive calling a couple of times a week and asking me out every weekend and I always said yes and enjoyed his company. Then one week, he just didn’t call and I sure didn’t pick up the phone to call him. After two months of dating, I was hurt and wondered why, oh why he hadn’t called. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Ah, yes the self-blame and self-doubt.
Coincidentally, that same week Sex and the City’sepisode was the very same one that eventually launched Greg Behrendt’s (and Liz Tuccillo’s) book He’s Just Not That into You. Apparently he was a writer and consultant (and she was a writer) on the show. I asked one of my friends that had also watched the episode, So do you think he’ll call? Her answer, Well, if you want me to be honest, probably not, Jo. He’s just not into you. We both laughed and laughed. I knew that was it.
I must have felt like Miranda (I know she's just a character) on Sex and the City – liberated, free, knowing it wasn’t personal, hey it wasn’t about me. Or perhaps it was about me, but who cared? He called two weeks later when I was home and I saw his name on caller ID. I listened to his message as it recorded: Oh, hey, Jo. Ummm, I haven’t called, guess I’ve been ummm kind of busy. You know I’ve been ummm well I don’t know – just busy. Give me a call when you can. Wanted to know if maybe we could ummm do something.
I could choose to call him. Yeah, right - in your dreams, buddy. For the previous two weeks, I had experienced the hurt of rejection. I had come to the realization that he really was just not that into me and I never did call him. Oh, I must say that did feel good.
But what is it with women and men in relationships? Why can’t we get it? Last week a friend of mine told me the guy she just started seeing said he’d call her on Sunday after he returned from a ski trip. He didn’t. Yes and she worried that he had had a car accident on the way home or perhaps was in the morgue. (I told her that was just about impossible.) She was determined not to call him this time - although a few weeks before she had asked him out. He called a couple of days later and apologized when she brought it up. He hadn't even realized he had said he would call her. She told me she felt good about expressing her feelings and asking for what she wanted. But why should we make the guy wrong for being who he is?
I think there is a fine line between expressing your feelings and realizing that people are who they are and nothing you can do will change that. Calling should not be a chore and if it is, they are just not into you. I know, I know we can pick up the phone and call them. I mean we're liberated, aren’t we? But just like Greg Behrendt says in his book and I am paraphrasing: men want to pursue us. And if they are into us, they should. Perhaps it’s the hunter gatherer cave man thing.
